rudechild

If there's one thing I've learnt, it's how life will always teach you lessons after lessons; till you learn something, and each time, the scenario might be similar, but the results, differ.

Why, Hello rudechild, it's been long since i last came in here, I was such a mess, but I'd say things have since then, improved tremedously.

Life have been treating me well, and I've learnt that life usually deals you a balance of happiness dabbed with some unhappiness. It is human nature to get annoyed and upset, but I do try to remember this phrase in my mind whenever something got me down - "Life deals you unhappiness like a dash of salt is to your meal, it's so for you to appreciate your happiness no matter how big or small it may be." :)

-

Hi BB,

I know once again, I've neglected you for sometime, but I bet you've been tied up with your angelic task. I've been busy with work, but things are looking good. Just want to let you know that I miss you still.

Love,

Your BB Dear. :)

i hate how i'm always such an emotional wreck,
and with no clue in mind or anything other solutions at hand,
this is the space i'd turn to.

i really dislike how after so long, and all that has ever happened in between,
here i am, almost close to three years perhaps, and well,
i'm still so damn stuck.

yes, love is nothing much to make a big hooha of,
yet it's this very thing that makes us go crazy and well,
unfathomable.

sigh.

it's been so long,
and i'm still figuring things out.
for what reasons,
i don't know either.
maybe secretly i like to torture myself,
i dont know.

yes, we never get whatever we wish for in life,
some lucky people do,
i know that i'm not one of those.

it's weird, how i question myself,
and then i try to make things right,
but it's never of importance to anyone.
and it's really funny how,
i've been so bruised, so battered, so bloody shattered,
and i never gave up,
but they always do.
why.

i wish i could understand,
but i guess i never could.

am i really asking alot out of people?
i beg to differ.
for all i ever wanted was sincerity and truthfulness,
isn't that what everyone wants?
so..
where did i go wrong exactly?

sometimes all these hurt is just too much to bear,
and so much more responsibilities i wish i could throw away too.
but what can i do?

i'm so damn tired,
and i don't understand why i can't seem to make myself worthy.
everyone treats me as a fool,
use and dump.
and i try so hard not to be someone replaceable.
but let's face it.
it's a losing battle.

how can i ever be someone anyone would ever appreciate.
blah.

Like the flow of raindrops across the twilight sky,
a beautiful sight instilled with sorrows within;
Like the loud clashes of thunder,
the silence screams a tune of loneliness.

The twerp gazed upon the cloudy skies,
like the shape of her heart it seems to form,
speaking of stories left untold.

The twerp reached upwards into the starry night,
attempting to grab a part of the shimmering starlight,
but known to her that it's a mirage,
for something so beautiful could never be grasped.

"The dark forecast seems to decipher,
of feelings within left untold.
The twerp gazed upon the skies,
in search for a starlight to guide.
In return was the heavy downpour,
across the starry night;
As if to speak of a euphoria,
far away from sight.
Bruised, shattered and broken,
Masquerade will now take place."

because this time i'm utterly shattered,
and i know i've never been shattered this bad.
and because i know nobody understands,
i've stopped hoping for someone who would.

tears in the night,
my companion through the cold;
this pain within grasp my heart,
leaving me so forlorn.

this bitterness stains my heart,
and cloud my mind;
i lunge forward for happiness,
but fall ten steps behind.

silently each night i pray and hope,
for a guardian angel to take me away;
away from all these negativity and bring me back,
to the time when i was filled with rainbows and starlights.

but happiness eludes me like ice to fire,
and my strength weaken with every emotions beaten.

my heart is heavy, my mind's a mess,
this depression hits me way worse than the rest.

and nobody's here to pick me up ever,
and everybody's too caught up in their own little world.
everyone moved on and changed with time,
but here i am still standing still in hope of miracle.

i've fallen, i'm beaten and i'm too lethargic to pick me up.
so this time round it's goodbye for i had enough.

you may all exit now.
=)

sometimes you think that something happens
as a test,
something else is a challenge,
and everything happens for a reason.

but then again,
what's the right perspective in this world.
your point of views and mine are different,
and so does everybody else's.

does that means you do reap what you sow?
or more often than not the world is not what you perceive?
do the good always win at the end
or the bad is the one winning majorly?

tv shows, dramas and everything else
tells you about way of life?
is that true or do people model their lives after supposedly shows?
hmm.

what a world.
what a thought.
what is to understand?

seize the day.

New Year Eve,
while every party lover is out clubbing,
and everyone else is at some countdown;
the cliques gathered at jere's for our
CHERRY POPPIN' POTLUCK PARTY.
=)

yours truly woke up late,
5pm to be exact;
so yeah, you can imagine my panic!
haha.

managed to go for grocery shopping,
and be done, dolled up for theme and head to jere's.

so yes,
club owner - jere
co-club owner - dd,
door butch - sam,
door bitch - jace,
waitress - rachelle,
waiter - ainnah,
recep - yours truly,
live band - c.ho & b.

super funny whenever we stopped people
who are not dressed in theme,
forcing them to pay entrance or bribe the "staffs".
lol.

well,
potluck was a success!
just 15mins before countdown,
we all burnt our sorrows of 2009 away.
=)

so while you guys were out there clubbing
or just going crazy,
i had the most awesome time spent with the most awesome peeps ever.

and i can't think of a better way to spend my 2009,
and to usher 2010,
but to be with the rockamaniacs/poppers.

simple but enjoyable,
and filled with love we gathered.

happy 2010 guys.
it's gonna be a blast!
=))

so it's finally down to the last two days of 2009,
and what a year it has been for me.

the start of the year saw my heart broken in a million pieces,
that i never knew how to ever piece it back.
my career was going hay-wire,
my friends didn't understand what i was going through,
i pretty much was a huge mess.

throughout the whole 2009,
i was just drifting along with life,
trying to figure the million and one things that had happened to me.

i was an emotional wreck,
and i was hoping and wishing and envying everything and everyone else.

but came end 2009,
and that one fateful cab ride,
i've come to take it all easy.
=)

i've lost my way too much through growing up.
i've left behind too much that i'm still trying to pick up.
the most important thing i ever lost in 2009
was myself.

and now i'm feeling more at peace with myself.

2009 attempted too much to shoot me in the head,
but i survived it all.
and i believe i'm way stronger to handle
whatever God will be sending my way.

i'm totally looking forward to 2010,
something tells me it's a good year,
there will bound to be obstacles,
and times i wanna give it all up,
but i know it'd be a wonderful year
because i feel so;
and most importantly because i believe so.

goodbye 2009,
hello 2010.
=)

have a good year ahead you guys,
HAPPY NEW YEAR in advance.
<3

okay, it's been one fucked up night,
and i don't fucking appreciate it;
i have to FUCKING WORK tomorrow early,
so keepin me up all night with a million nonsense;
it just ain't right.
SCREW YOU PEOPLE,
i bloody hell call friends.

first and foremost,
my existence in this world is not as a mere clown,
for your bloody entertainment,
nor a joke or prank for your bloody boredom!
don't take my care and concern as a bloody game,
and it's definately not amusing at all.

secondly,
please fucking remember that i'm only a human being,
stop expecting so bloody much out of me,
because i DO fucking make mistake as well,
i'm not perfect and never claimed to be.
so spare me the fucken aspirations,
and get real.

thirdly,
i don't appreciate pseudo stuff,
quit acting like the best/close/whatever friend you are,
when you can't even accept me for the way i am.
so keep your facade to yourself and fucking get out of my life.

lastly,
i may not be the best person on earth,
but i try to be nice to everyone;
don't take me for GRANTED just because i appreciate and treasure you,
because by doing so,
i know you're just using me,
and i don't appreciate that,
so you can fuck out as well!

and most importantly,
YOU!
have fucking disappoint me,
not that i give a damn about whatever choices you made,
'cos i mentioned once i'd stick by you through everything;
but you chose to stab me somewhat just for your personal gains.
so yes,
i'm keepin quiet about everything else just so nobody else feels what i do now.
no,
i'm not noble,
but i just deem it unnecessary for others to feel this disgrunt.

so yes,
i officially wash my hands off everyone's business,
afterall it's not mine to begin with,
so why should i bother and care
only to hurt myself?

don't try to break my defences down,
it's NOT EVER COMING APART NO MORE.
=)

work's been a sailing,
scrape fact that someone's been an arse;
but i'm a flying high,
'cos i know i've changed and moved alot since the beginning.
=)

xmas is round the corner,
and what memories it has always been.
a season of love,
but i'd be at work.
maybe meeting the gang after,
but i don't know man.

new year is coming as well,
and somehow, something tells me that 2010 is gonna be a smashing year;
somehow i just can't wait.
=))

loads of issues for the entire 2009,
a year i was raving about how there are so many special dates and stuff,
yet the year was disappointing with heartaches and rides that would kill me.

but what doesn't kill me,
does really make me stronger.
=)

i'm thankful for that fateful cab ride,
'cos now i'm much more at peace with myself,
and more focus on things that i want.

2009,
you crashed my entire system,
but without you,
i'd never mature.
2010,
you're an inspiration,
i'm raring to go.
rock and roll.
=)

took a cab home just now,
and the cab driver was God's blessing in disguise.

why?

we had a good chat about life,
and for the longest time ever,
i felt that he was right about many stuffs.
it intrigued me to know that often we lost directions,
we lose hope;
and then we struggle within,
we ask a million and one whys.

i've morphed and grown alot since past,
the optimistic me was lost along growing up,
and all that ever took place was negative thoughts fillin up my mind,
negative feelings to my heart;
and all i ever asked was why.

we forgot the beauty of a million things happening,
and we often take into considerations,
way too much of how others would think of us.

i forgot how everything used to be beautiful,
how a problem was never a problem,
unless i perceived it to be.

i forgot how i put it my mission
to make everyone around me happy,
to please as much as possible
without wanting.

i forgot everything that once made me who i am,
and i became this confused and contradicting piece of crap.
lol.

but how could i thank God enough?
for He never did allowed me to stray,
He kept me close to my beliefs as much as i walked away,
and now He's enlightening me that i've become one of those
negative, upset and grumpy people in the world.

life's beautiful no matter what the test and tribulations.
this time i'm finding me back,
with full force because i feel so enlightened,
and so much lighter at heart.
=)

BB,
you seeing and hearing all these?
=)